I'm Tired

Every so often, life becomes overwhelmingly difficult.  Sometimes these times creep up on you slowly and you don’t realise it is happening, sometimes it arrives like a tsunami wave – you get a bit of warning, and you realise the inevitable is coming.  You find something to hang on tight to, and try to ride it out and hope that it passes quickly.

All of a sudden you feel tired:

Tired of working when you’d hoped to be taking it easier by now but finding you are doing more than ever.

Tired of trying to be a participating member of society

Tired of being tired

Tired of being responsible for everything in your life

Tired of putting a brave face on in the morning

Tired of meeting people, being nice to them, tired of saying goodbye to them after their holiday, asking them if they have had a nice time, and then having to clean up their shitty toilets and filthy kitchens.

Tired of having no energy to clean your own damn house.

Tired of feeling that doing things you actually want to do is somehow wrong

Tired of living on the edge, financially and emotionally - it doesn't take much to push you over that edge

Tired of feeling that the one thing that brings me the most joy is the one that seems to irritate other people

Too tired to fight your own corner

Too tired to relax

Tired of feeling you have to fit in

Tired of being so sensitive to and caring about what others think

Tired of worrying about each rattle in the car and crapping yourself when it comes to MOT and service time

Tired of not having enough money to pay the tax man

Tired of not being able to afford a decent holiday

Tired of constantly thinking you are going to have to sell the horses and knowing it will be like selling part of your soul.

Tired of people walking over you and tired the fact that you allow them to do so.

Tired of your job and wanting  to change, but not knowing what to do and realising there isn’t much available for someone your age.

Tired of the thought of having to work like this until I am 66

Tired of questioning if you should breed a dog or not, have you got time, can you afford it

Tired of losing days due to worry and anxiety and total brain freeze

Tired of being told that life is full of joy, but struggling to find that joy on so many days

Tired of feeling it is self indulgent to feel like this

Tired of feeling guilty because you know damned fine there are others far worse off, and still not being able to shake off the heaviness of depression.

Tired of feeling nothing

Tired of feeling too much

Tired of everything and everybody

Just tired.

And after a while, it all passes, and you can bury all these feelings again.  But like weeds in a neglected garden they come back up when you turn your back and don’t keep an eye on them.

This isn’t a call for a sympathy vote, or kind words.  It is a putting down of something that happens – not just to me, but to so many people.  Chances are that many of you who might read this (if you got this far) have had this happen to you.  Everyone copes in different ways.  Apparently we are supposed to talk about it more, but sometimes you don’t want to.  All I want to do is pull down the shutters, lock the doors, and tell the world to fuck off.  But it doesn’t.  It is still there when I wake up in the morning and try to find the strength to get through another day.  And you wonder what the hell it is all about.