A few nights ago I was reading an article on the internet - it was something that interests me and that which I try to keep up to date with as much as possible. However, I didn't realise it had a video embedded in it - I made the mistake of watching part of it, and as the horror of it unfolded I found I couldn't stop watching and I knew I would not be able to un-see it.
It was only the arrival of River's head in my lap that made me realise I had tears running down my face - she had seen my distress and gave me the distraction I needed, and so shut the computer down.
Remarkably I did manage to get to sleep without any difficulty, but at 4am I was wide awake with my mind going down multiple rabbit holes. I would haul it back like an errant terrier, but it would just disappear down another. Inevitably I found it seeing the images from earlier in the evening. I got up, I moved about, got a hot drink, scrolled on the phone for a while, listened to some music - anything to erase the imprinted images. But when I put the light out again, I was right back there again and at that point I knew those images would stay with me and I would just have to live with that.
Lying in the dark, I knew I had Skara on the other pillow, Fen at the other side of the bed in her usual legs-in-the-air-I-don't-care pose. Ulfar was on the floor beside the bed and River on the big comfy memory foam bed in the corner. River got up at that point and climbed up on the bed, laying her head on my lower legs with a big sigh. Normally I hate my legs to be restricted at night, but the weight of River's head was like a weighted blanket and I eventually drifted off to a somewhat fitful sleep for what was left of the night.
I remembered reading a social media post by the author and dog trainer Suzanne Clothier where she described how, whenever she had to travel without a dog, she took a particular small travel bag, packed with nothing important but of a weight similar to a dog's head - she would place it over her lower legs to give her the comfort of having a dog with her.
In the morning I found myself thinking about how everyone lives with their dogs differently - some people just "have" dogs - just why, I don't actually know. They don't engage with their dog, it just exists in the same way as a piece of furniture, and often is discarded in just the same way. Dogs are abandoned at rescue centres with a note to say they are too old to be kept, or that they wee on the carpet, and all manner of other excuses. The dog is dispensable, like litter, a worn out pair of jeans or an unfashionable handbag.
Others treat them as accessories, to be dressed to match their own outfits, with little bows and pretty dresses. These dogs are not allowed to be simply a member of their own species and often end up with some rather sad behavioural issues.
Some are bought as playthings for a child, or to help the child learn responsibility - very often the child grows weary of the dog once it outgrows puppyhood. If it is lucky, the parents will have assumed responsibility when they realised the child won't. If it is unlucky, it may be abandoned to a shed outside, or to the rehoming centre.
There are those who keep dogs to use for breeding in atrocious conditions, devoid of the love of a human companion, but expected to produce litter after litter in squalid conditions and with no attention to physical, emotional or mental needs.
Other dogs are simply let down by their owners if they haven't met expectations in the show ring, or as a stud or brood bitch, or perhaps they don't "fit" into the way of life. I wonder how many of these have never been helped to BE able to fit in. Some are just ignored like an elephant in the middle of the room.
My own life with my dogs hasn't always been easy - there are some dogs who come along who press your every button. Sisko was one such dog - I found him a hard dog to love. It was no fault of his own, and now I find myself wishing I could have him again, to try to be a better person for him with what I have learned since that time.
But for me, each individual dog comes to teach me something new - very often about myself. All of them give unconditional love which is something we humans struggle to give, and that most of all is perhaps the biggest lesson. I am still not the perfect owner...... I don't teach them tricks, or do military-like obedience, or understand everything about what they do and why they do it. But they are allowed to express themselves in their own canine ways whilst living in a human world. And I express myself in my own human ways whilst living as part of a dog pack. They share my bed and my sofa and are my main companions in this life. And, as it turns out, my comforters too.
