Time and Age Marches on......

That awful moment when you realise your dog is getting older, and that time is now limited.  You start to think of the things you didn't do, the places you didn't go to, the games you didn't play.  But your dog doesn't really care about those things - all he or she knows is their life with you - your love, your time, your attention, your company out on walks or even just at home.  Nothing else really matters.

That moment hit me hard this morning with Tussock - or perhaps it was when I actually admitted it to myself.  She passed 12 back at the beginning of April.  This hot weather has made me fully realise that she definitely has a touch of laryngeal paralysis - the change in pitch of her voice and its accompanying hoarseness.  And she pants more in the warm temperatures.  It's supposed to cool down a bit this coming week, so I daresay that will be a relief to her.  And I might invest in a cool jacket for her.  Surgery is always an option, but it is at what point to jump - and I must take into consideration other stuff going on with her.

She not only has LP, but it is just a part of GOLPP - Geriatric Onset Laryngeal Paralysis and Polyneuropathy.  First symptoms are in the voice and breathing.  Then it affects the rest of the nervous system - the back end begins to weaken, heading steadily to a point of uselessness.  I am seeing it slowly happening with her.  Initially it was just the times she was thrown off her feet because she insisted on catching the tails of the youngsters as they charge by.  They just carried on, leaving her with a mouthful of hair, sprawled on the ground with a look of - a look of what?  I think it was indignation.  Mixed with a bit of "how did that happen?" 

Now I give her a help into the van - just to make sure she doesn't stumble.  And a hand under her bum going up the stairs to make it a bit easier for her.  This morning I realised I will have to give her a hand going down the stairs, too.  She has always gone down stairs like flowing water, but always under control - the control was rather lacking this morning and her back legs almost over took her front ones.  So I will make her wait and hang on to her tail going down so I can keep the brakes on.  Or use a towel sling.    I have done all this before with Leroy some years ago. 

Where we have been walking most recently - down on the shore where it is cool and they can swim - there are lots of fissures in the ground - a couple of times her back legs have fallen into them.  But she has pulled herself out and carried on.  Occasionally I need to give her a bit of a helping hand.  But she still has her sense of humour, and dignity, and bloody minded determination, and so I will not coddle her.  She can still get up on her own, still lay down, still walk and still run - but the balance goes if she turns quickly.

So, yes, I could have the tie back surgery done - but I have to question if the stress of that, and risks of complications, are really worth it at this time.  We might have another year - maybe two.  She also has a couple of small lumps on her boobs - the last one we had taken off was benign.  Do I assume these are the same?  They are slow growing.  Chances are the GOLPP will take her before they do.  Getting this balance right, making decisions like this are so hard.  What would she opt for?   Would I be doing it just to appease the part of me that feels I should, because not doing so would be classed as neglect?  Would SHE really benefit?

I hadn't been giving them their turmeric paste this last few weeks - I have begun that again as the natural anti-inflammatory should help the LP.  As well as help the stiffness.  All the girls get it - and me, too.

And what happens when the legs don't work anymore?  Do we get a pair of wheels?  I don't know.  Much will depend on her, and how she is generally in herself.  I hope it will be sometime before we get there.  But all of these thoughts have overwhelmed me this morning - that knock on the door to let you know that the time will come, and that in the meantime a few small accommodations will have to be made.  Tears have flowed this morning - but perhaps they are a preparation for an inevitable event in every life. 

And in the meantime she still rushes out to bark at a passer-by.  She doesn't think about it all in the way I do.  As long as I am here for her, and she can be with me, she is content.  I hope.

And finally - at least she has been allowed to get to 12 and I am grateful for this much. Laren never made it to 7, and there are folks out there who know their dog won't make old bones, and those folks have my heart felt sympathy.